5 Reasons Pokémon Go is Literally The Devil

Like the clickbait title says, Pokémon Go is Satan in disguise and it is ruining the youth of America. Here are my 5, well-researched opinions FACTS on this Mark of the Beast.

It supports Skynet

The application uses GPS to TRACK YOUR EVERY MOVE. Now Nintendo will always know where I am! Whenever I go to church or the homeless shelter or the strip club, THAT SHOULD BE MY BUSINESS. This kind of invasion of privacy is not what Edward Snowden died for.

It supports Slavery

What happens when you catch a Pokémon?  You enslave it in a tiny ball and force it to fight your battles for you. Even worse, you can string them out on “drugs” to make them fight better and ensure they never leave you. I for one do NOT support animal cruelty and slavery. This is Kony2012 all over again. #Ash 2016

It supports Exercise

You mean to tell me I have to actually LEAVE my house and INTERACT with the world? What if there’s a radical Islamist right outside my door? No way. This is just another ploy by Michelle Obama to make me lose weight. First my food, now my video games? What will she control next?

It supports Evolution

What happens when a Pokémon gets too big for it’s briches? It EVOLVES. You read that right. Nintendo is pushing their Darwinist, Liberal, and anti-Bible agenda on us. They actually believe a Richu could come from a Pikachu? If Charzards evolved from Charmanders, then why do we still have Charmanders?

Checkmate, Nintendo.