5 Reasons Pokémon Go is Literally The Devil

Like the clickbait title says, Pokémon Go is Satan in disguise and it is ruining the youth of America. Here are my 5, well-researched opinions FACTS on this Mark of the Beast.

It supports Skynet

The application uses GPS to TRACK YOUR EVERY MOVE. Now Nintendo will always know where I am! Whenever I go to church or the homeless shelter or the strip club, THAT SHOULD BE MY BUSINESS. This kind of invasion of privacy is not what Edward Snowden died for.

It supports Slavery

What happens when you catch a Pokémon?  You enslave it in a tiny ball and force it to fight your battles for you. Even worse, you can string them out on “drugs” to make them fight better and ensure they never leave you. I for one do NOT support animal cruelty and slavery. This is Kony2012 all over again. #Ash 2016

It supports Exercise

You mean to tell me I have to actually LEAVE my house and INTERACT with the world? What if there’s a radical Islamist right outside my door? No way. This is just another ploy by Michelle Obama to make me lose weight. First my food, now my video games? What will she control next?

It supports Evolution

What happens when a Pokémon gets too big for it’s briches? It EVOLVES. You read that right. Nintendo is pushing their Darwinist, Liberal, and anti-Bible agenda on us. They actually believe a Richu could come from a Pikachu? If Charzards evolved from Charmanders, then why do we still have Charmanders?

Checkmate, Nintendo.

Please Steven…

With the announcement of the fifth Indiana Jones movie, I began to imagine what story it might tell. I came up with a dozen or so, mostly idiotic, stories that could bring Indy back to the silver screen. But one kept sticking with me. So here is my back-of-the-DVD story summary for Indiana Jones 5.

Dr. Henry Jones Jr. is enjoying life working as the Dean of Marshall College when an aspiring archaeologist and former student of Dr. Jones, brings him the evidence of a find so impressive that Jones is forced back into the field…one last time.

And that student would be?

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Chris Pratt of course. Many have called for an Indy reboot starring Pratt, with even Spielberg displaying interest in that idea. But I think a Ford/Pratt team up film would fuel the hype train even more. This way, Ford could have a final run at his legendary character and send him off in style without anyone else having to take on the massive character. In the same vein, Pratt would have the opportunity to play an all new character, free of reboot criticism, but still have the charisma and Indyness that would carry the franchise forward. Ford would pass the torch on to Pratt, who could then star in future Indy style films.

What would these movies be called if they didn’t star the character of Indiana Jones? Well Lucasfilm/Disney could simply revert back to the title of the object they are searching for. Much like Raiders of the Lost Ark. Or they could franchiseify it, naming it “Raiders: The [something] for [whatever]”.

I believe this is the best option for the studio, the actors, and most importantly the fans. What do you think? How do you think the movie should go? What would you like to see happen in Indy 5?

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

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A Poem I Wrote in 10th Grade

This is a poem I wrote for Coach Stowe’s tenth grade English class at Dewey High School. The assignment was to write a one page essay over what you did for Christmas break. Where you went, what you did, what gifts you received. I found that way too boring and decided to take artistic liberties with the assignment…

How The Zombies Stole Christmas

By Jesse Monday

It was another normal Christmas Eve and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The children were sleeping, the zombies were creeping, and little Jonny was peeing in the snow. He was the first to go, and with blood in snow, more zombies began to show. My old friend Stowe turned the corner and yelled “Woah!” as the zombies devoured Joe. With fright and all his might he fought to get inside.

 Nathan Locke was fixing a clock when Stowe came gasping indoors. Just then Cory Vaughter began to slaughter all the zombies he could find. He was doing just fine until he drank some wine and accidentally shot himself. Then along came Collin, the biggest tool I ever met, the zombies ate him, so no need to fret. I came home to find Nathan and Stowe trapped in the house with no where to go.

A safe place we knew of, not one of us could think, to escape the undead, their skin so did stink. There was Nathan with his rifle, and I with my knife. We had just settled in, praying for life. When out by the door there arose such a clatter. We sprang to our feet to see what was the matter.

“They found us!” Stowe cried as he shook with fear, “I knew they were close by! I knew they were near!”. I looked around quick and spotted a vent. “We can escape through there!” I said as I went. We crawled in quickly, all into the duct. As the zombies broke in, Nathan yelled “Man, what luck!”. We found a car with a tank full of gas, but most of our friends had breathed their last.

It was the day after Christmas and all through the town, all the people were infected, their skin green and brown. The survivors were hiding in the gym of the school. Being outside, you would meet a fate most cruel. The moral of this story is a simple one you know, never go outside and pee in the snow.

Also, I got an IPod.

Parallelism in the Star Wars Saga

Many believe the prequel trilogy of the Star Wars saga to be inferior to the original trilogy, and in many ways that is true. The prequels suffered from a lack of focus, horrible dialog, unmotivated heroes/villains, and its inability to live up to the “lived-in universe” of the original trilogy. Lucas’ intent was to tell a story that worked on its own, but also enhanced and gave more meaning to the events of the originals. Instead he created plot holes and tried to connect the characters in unnecessary ways (Anakin building C3PO, Luke and Anakin coming from the same exact city on the same exact planet, Han never believed in the Force even though his best friend Chewie was a personal acquaintance of GRAND MASTER YODA….anyway, rant over). The prequels never quite lived up, but one of the few things George got right was setting up parallels in the prequels that actually did enhance the ending of Return of the Jedi.

These parallels exist throughout all six movies, some obvious and some a little less noticeable. Let’s start with the obvious one I have already mentioned.

Anakin and Luke come from the same planet.

Anakin, a literal slave, and Luke, a slave to his circumstances. Both of their journeys start the same way. They are freed from their slavery and have to leave loved ones behind. Luke had no other choice, his family was killed and Obi-wan was all he had left. Anakin didn’t want to leave his mother behind, but knew he had to.

“Its sorta like poetry. They rhyme. Every stanza sort of rhymes with the last one.” – George Lucas, on the set of The Phantom Menace.

Now I believe Lucas relied too heavily on his rhyming stanzas, so much so that he tried to replicate the originals, instead of creating an original story. However, George did in fact create some beautiful imagery, based on what Yoda said in The Phantom Menace: 

“Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering.” – Yoda.

We don’t really see this quote come to fruition in the OT until Return of The Jedi. When we first see Luke in Return, he is wearing all black, hooded, menacing, and Force chokes Jabba’s guard (a power we have only seen Sith use). In fact, he kinda looks like someone else we have seen…

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When Luke confronts Jabba, he issues this warning: “Don’t underestimate my power.” Hmmm, where have we heard that before?

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Oh right, Anakin says this same thing to Obi-wan at their duel on Mustafar. Well, one thing is certainly clear: At the start of Return of The Jedi, Luke is following in the footsteps of his father and is on the path to the Dark Side. George’s parallels are actually meaning something. In the rest of the movie, we see Luke continuing to wear all black, just like Vader and the Emperor. The parallels stop here until the final confrontation in the Emperor’s Death Star throne room.

Fear is the path to the Dark Side…

Luke surrenders himself to Vader. He goes before Emperor Palpatine knowing that he will die aboard the station once the Rebel attack succeeds. He is calm and collected. Until Palpatine tells Luke he orchestrated the whole attack and that all of his friends will die in this elaborate trap. It is at this point that Luke becomes fearful, he is afraid not for his own life but for Han, Leia, and the entire Rebel Alliance. Ol’ Palps is seeding a fear of loss in Luke, the same way he perpetuated Anakin’s fear of losing Padme at that weird concert thing.

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Throne Room

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Weird Concert Thing

Fear leads to Anger…

At this point, Luke strikes against Vader and they duel briefly before Luke gains control of himself and ceases his attack. Vader has just seen the fear of loss drive Luke into fighting, so he twists the knife. Maybe Luke’s sister will turn to the Dark Side if he refuses. Vader has taken the seed of the fear of loss and forced it to erupt into full-blown anger. Luke betrays Yoda’s teachings against anger and hate when he lashes out in a furious display and channels all that anger into defeating Vader. This is exactly how his father once reacted when he believed Padme was doomed. Anakin betrayed the teachings of the Jedi Order and saved the Sith Lord Palpatine from death in hopes that he might not lose his wife. His fear of loss lead to his anger against the Jedi and, earlier, caused him to wipe out an entire village of Sand People. Luke has taken the second step to the Dark Side just like his father.

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Anger leads to hate…Hate leads to Suffering…

During the final battle with his former master, Anakin is bested by Obi-wan and lies dying on the Mustafar ash. He screams “I hate you!” to his once loved friend and you completely believe that he does. His journey to the Dark Side is complete. He has allowed his anger to turn to hate and that hate brought him suffering. He suffers the rest of his life in a suit that barely keeps him alive. Luke’s anger borders hate in the final moments of his attack on Vader. You can tell while he frenziedly swings his lightsaber and deals the final disarming blow, he no longer is concerned with his friends. He is striking out in pure, Dark Side induced, hatred. Once Vader lays beaten, Luke stands over him ready to deal the final blow. This is it. Just like his father before him. He must let the hate overtake him and take his place as Dark Lord of the Sith. The whole series and all of Palpatine’s plans have been leading towards this moment. The moment Luke gives into his Fear, Anger, and Hate just like Anakin all those years ago. Luke has taken the third step on the path to the Dark Side just like his father. The parallel, the cycle, is complete.

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Except he does not kill his father. He doesn’t strike Vader down and become a Sith Lord. The parallel breaks apart. He pauses, he takes in what he has succumb to. He sees his father’s severed hand and has compassion for him. He defies the most powerful and manipulative Sith that has ever lived and becomes a fully-fledged Jedi Master. The cycle is destroyed. The Emperor tortures Luke for his defiance. Vader looks on and silently contemplates what Luke has done. He just saw that it is possible to defy the Dark Side. He sees his son dying in front of him, he sees his mother die in front of him again, he feels the pain of losing Padme all over again. The last shred of Anakin Skywalker boils up to the surface and destroys the evil Darth Vader and the Emperor with him.

Luke has one final conversation with the redeemed Anakin Skywalker. In this conversation, we see that Luke’s all black outfit was actually white underneath the whole time. What appeared to be void of hope, had hope underneath all along.

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George Lucas got a lot of things wrong with the prequels, but the parallels he established might be some of the most beautiful imagery in cinematic history. Let’s hope this imagery continues in The Force Awakens and beyond…it seems as though it might…

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30 DAYS!!!

I made a blog

Today I made a blog. Yes, a blog as you can see. Pretty original, right? Why did I do this?

Maybe because I am bored out of my mind and procrastinating my copious amounts of homework. Maybe it’s because I am a awful writer and I want to subject the world to it’s awfulness. Maybe I made a blog to show you “Ten Ways You Can Eat Almond Shavings Through A Dirty Sonic Straw, NUMBER SEVEN BLEW MY MIND!!!”. Or maybe I made I this, already mediocre, blog to share with the world my affinity for the Asian Sheepshead Wrasse.

But I think the real reason is no one in my life wants to listen to my nerdy ramblings. And personally, I don’t want to subject them to the Tornado of Geekery that is constantly ravaging my brain. Cinematography, video games, books, dissecting and analyzing films, parallels in storytelling, how music makes us feel, these are all things I love to think about and my loved ones are tired of hearing about. And I understand, no hard feelings (seriously). But I am literally about to explode with nerdiness. I am tired of writing and writing and writing constant essays to show I understand a subject. I want to write about something I care about.

So I’ll write about Star Wars. I will write about films and their meanings. I’ll write about video games, music, and parallels. Hopefully I will have a fun time doing it too.

The Road goes ever on and on/Down from the door where it began/Now far ahead the Road has gone/And I must follow, if I can/Pursuing it with eager feet/Until it joins some larger way/Where many paths and errands meet/And whither then? I cannot say.– J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings